December 29, 2008
Right after we downloaded this picture onto our computer, all I could see was a very pregnant me. I thought, "wow - once this baby is born I'm going to have to work really hard at losing all of that weight, but it is worth it!" I thought it a lot and it tended to worry me about how much I had gained.
How circumstances will change your perspective. The other day I was looking at Timothy's pictures and this was the last picture I had of me expecting him. I started to cry. Not because of my very pregnant tummy, but because I don't recognize that lady in the picture anymore. I was smiling and so were my eyes, I haven't seen that in awhile. My perspective of her now is one very strong and capable lady.
When our lives were turned upside down 11 weeks ago, I knew I would be hurting for awhile, but I didn't realize the magnitude of damage it would leave in its wake.
Everyday life is hard to get through right now. My 3 year old wants a drink of juice so I walk to the cabinet and reach for a cup and pour the juice into the cup and hand it to her and remind her to be careful not to spill. Those are my external actions. Internally, I was right in the middle of an emotion of utter despair when the request for juice was noted. So internally I pushed the sadness to the side and put on my "Mom tone" to respond to the needs of the 3 year old. Repeat that scenario over and over again...so it makes for a tiring life.
When little things go wrong and they need my attention, sometimes I am so tired from dealing with my internal emotions and my external responsibilities that it just all seems like too much! I don't know where I will get the strength and then I'm reminded that it is not of my own accord but the Lord's strength that will get me through. So a quick prayer enables me to lovingly deal with the current meltdown at hand, that I truly would NOT have been able to do without the request of strength from God. Without those prayers I couldn't do my day to day life.
So when I saw the picture of this lady who could fill juice cups and organize a co-op class of 30 and plan field trips to the museum for the whole homeschool group and explain the virtues of our Christ centered life while navigating the freeways during five o'clock traffic without skipping a beat - I miss her and then I think, "wow - what could she have done if she had relied on Christ's strength - daily." Maybe someday if I see her again I can tell her that!