Right after we downloaded this picture onto our computer, all I could see was a very pregnant me. I thought, "wow - once this baby is born I'm going to have to work really hard at losing all of that weight, but it is worth it!" I thought it a lot and it tended to worry me about how much I had gained.
How circumstances will change your perspective. The other day I was looking at Timothy's pictures and this was the last picture I had of me expecting him. I started to cry. Not because of my very pregnant tummy, but because I don't recognize that lady in the picture anymore. I was smiling and so were my eyes, I haven't seen that in awhile. My perspective of her now is one very strong and capable lady.
When our lives were turned upside down 11 weeks ago, I knew I would be hurting for awhile, but I didn't realize the magnitude of damage it would leave in its wake.
Everyday life is hard to get through right now. My 3 year old wants a drink of juice so I walk to the cabinet and reach for a cup and pour the juice into the cup and hand it to her and remind her to be careful not to spill. Those are my external actions. Internally, I was right in the middle of an emotion of utter despair when the request for juice was noted. So internally I pushed the sadness to the side and put on my "Mom tone" to respond to the needs of the 3 year old. Repeat that scenario over and over again...so it makes for a tiring life.
When little things go wrong and they need my attention, sometimes I am so tired from dealing with my internal emotions and my external responsibilities that it just all seems like too much! I don't know where I will get the strength and then I'm reminded that it is not of my own accord but the Lord's strength that will get me through. So a quick prayer enables me to lovingly deal with the current meltdown at hand, that I truly would NOT have been able to do without the request of strength from God. Without those prayers I couldn't do my day to day life.
So when I saw the picture of this lady who could fill juice cups and organize a co-op class of 30 and plan field trips to the museum for the whole homeschool group and explain the virtues of our Christ centered life while navigating the freeways during five o'clock traffic without skipping a beat - I miss her and then I think, "wow - what could she have done if she had relied on Christ's strength - daily." Maybe someday if I see her again I can tell her that!
4 comments:
sorry it is so hard right now. Still praying for you. I answered your question about sewing on my comment section..
I am still praying for you friend! You will see her again some day! I know you will!
with tears in my eyes, I know that you are still that person. You may feel distant from that woman in the picture but I still see her daily in you, she is still strong, stronger than you will ever realize because she is fighting and loving and healing and coping. You are still that STRONG woman with happiness in your eyes even when you don't feel it you are still there. It will take so much to get through this but you will make it and you will still remember Timothy daily and love him daily and have those happy eyes because he is and always will be yours. He is reasting with God and he is happy because you are his mother.
You guys are such an important part of healing. All of your comments and encouragement! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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