September 4, 2009

A valley and a mountain...

In April 2007 we started a downward hike.
On April 7, 2007 I was 7 weeks pregnant
on April 14, 2007 they couldn't find a baby's heartbeat - maybe it was still early. I didn't think that was likely...
On April 19, 2007 I was preparing for my daughter's 9th birthday and my husband sat me down and told me he was home early from work because he had been let go.
On April 20, 2007 we celebrated 9 year old birthday without "letting on" anything was wrong.
On May 1, 2007 miscarried baby.

This same scenario repeated itself again and again...2 more jobs that didn't work out, infinate days of "living life with out letting on", and another miscarriage. I would worry and I would fret.

October '07
January '08
May '08
October '08

The valley kept getting deeper and deeper and my despair started to turn to something a little uglier a little unhealthier. It was licking at everything my marriage, my relationships, my health, ...

Then we lost Timothy and I didn't feel anything, I couldn't...

deeper into the valley...

we moved from CA in our travel trailer without a home and without pretty much anything and I just couldn't care. At that point the only place for my cares was with God. I couldn't carry the burden it was too heavy and so I didn't, I was lost in this empty space, I didn't cry much; it constantly felt like I was holding it in and I thought a good cry would release the weight...it never did and it just would ache. I would read my Bible and find peace there, with an ache in my chest.

still deeper....

I would feed my kids, talk on the phone, smile and it would ache. I would respond to the "how are you" with a nonchalant, fine, and it would ache.

From April 2007 to April 2009 we were without steady income and lost 3 babies. In that time we moved to a new state, lived for months in a travel trailer and sometimes I wondered what was going to become of us, what are our children going to think of us? I thought we were doing it alright...

Then in April 2009 we started to ascend a little bit, then a bit more and a bit more...I could breathe, but was still heavy with the ache...

As 2009 progressed we climbed further our of the valley and finally, finally I have a vantage point to see where we have come from. This valley seems to have dissolved and we have rounded the next corner and from our point of view at this moment I can see the great valley we have climbed out of and I am stronger, our marriage is stronger, our faith is stronger, my children our stronger and we are all changed never to be the same again.


And now I weep...

I cry because it is the begining of healing, I cry because we made it, and I cry because God is good and gave us constantly what we needed at that moment.

Let me tell you the constants that God gave us: God had provided for us in His word enough sustenance to get through these times, He heard our prayers and provided peace. Whoever you are, let me tell you that it is impossible to survive the events that we faced in our life without God. Read your bibles, study them, understand what they say because let me tell you a promise about this sin filled world it is not "if something happens...it is when something happens". Be prepared with God's word hidden in your hearts...2 Timothy 2:16-17, look it up and apply it because God didn't promise us an easy life.

The other constant that was provided for us was family and friends. I can look back and see all the good that was provided for us in our bleakest hours. We always had a soft place to fall, Nana, Mom, Grandma, Papa, Aunties, Uncles, Dad, Grandpa...always someone had our back, always someone had an arm to lean on or a shoulder ready for us to cry on. How do you repay the people who God, in His most infinite love, provided to hold my children when I couldn't or dusted us me when I just didn't care? When their love and strength and prodding was the only thing that put one foot in front of the other?

Each day a little bit more of the ache is leaking out one tear at a time. We are thankful like we never have been before for our home and our employment and we know that only God can provide these times. We are enjoying our mountain and we remember our valley.

5 comments:

Chad and Rebecca said...

Great post. I am glad to see that you are coming out of the valley. I love the scripture verse, "Call to me and I will show you great and mighty things!" He has!

Sally P said...

This post makes me sad for all the pain you have gone through but also so EXCITED for the healing that you are finally finding.

Grandma W said...

You said it very well, God didn't promise us a bed of roses, be he did promise to walk the valley with us. I can't begin to say I understand how you felt in your valley, but I can say that I have prayed for you over the past few months. I have often said that Alaska was my desert and I believe as Christians we all have a desert to walk through. God will never leave or forsake us. I know people very flippantly at times say that God will never give us more than we can handle, but I can tell you that some day when you are ready he will give you opportunites to be there for others who walk similar paths. Look for those opportunities because that will also bring healing. Remember others are praying for you and your family.

Smockity Frocks said...

Beautifully said! God carries us through it all.

Janna said...

God is so good, and even in our pain and despair He is at work! Praise Him for bringing you out of your valley and for giving you the healing you have so longed for!

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