November 18, 2008

And, well, we are still breathing....(Updated with a finding from our doctor!)

I'm still here.

Day to day life is hard to live when everything that needs to be done takes so much effort, so things not as high on the priority list - like blogging don't get done.

What I know is that one day I will feel stronger and will know that I have found comfort in God's love.

What have I learned from my Timothy's life so far:

- Time in heaven isn't measured in hours and minutes - it's forever, so while Timothy and I will be apart a lifetime for me, it will only be a moment for him before we see each other again.

- Timothy is already where we are striving to be, he is already in the bosom of Abraham. I will continue to strive here on earth to teach my children and myself the truths outlined in the bible because the only thing worse than losing a child would be to lose a child who didn't follow God's plan for our salvation.

- I plead for others to pray for me and my family to endure the ache and to be able to muscle through until the "new normal" isn't filled with stings and tears. "I'm praying for you" isn't a remark made in passing, it is a weight bearing phrase that brings comfort to my soul, that I know others are coming to the Father on my family's behalf to ask for understanding and strength.

- I have much to be thankful for. Occasionally I catch a glimmer of the strength, compassion, and understanding that God has bestowed upon us because of this situation and it allows me to thank God for my Timothy is a different way. It allows me to remember him with a smile instead of a shroud of grief. God is faithful - holding onto biblical truths is so comforting.

What have I learned about grief that I didn't know...

- Sometimes people ask, "how are you", but what they really mean is "I'm thinking of you". Some people cannot duke out the nitty gritty details of Timothy's life with me, but they still want me to know that they love me and are praying for me. That is just as much of a blessing to be told that. It is OK if someone can't walk the road of grief with me, there are roads that I couldn't walk with others, but I appreciate that they are praying for us.

- Half the battle of grief is learning how to grieve and to not avoid it.

- Grieving gives us a license to be sad, but not selfish. Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice applies to me too! Just because I lost my Timothy will not prevent me from loving and rejoicing with someone else over their little one. I can honestly say that when a little soul is added to a family my "congratulations" are very heartfelt!

- That I will always wish that I had one more day to look at his tiny toes and to breathe in his quiet sweetness and if I had been blessed with 4 days with him instead of 3, then I would have wished for 5. That is a feeling that I will have for life.

- That a lot of hymns were written after a particularly trying time. The first Sunday I went back to our worship services I sobbed during the singing. We sang God's Family - it was a salve to my heart.

How can you pray for us right now....

specifically that the doctors can come to some conclusion to what is wrong and why we have lost our last 3 babies. They are leaning towards a thrombophilia disorder, but are not sure at the moment if that is what it is or not. I think if they can answer the "why" factor I will feel a marginal bit better. *Updated to add: Today the doctors confirmed that our little ones have been lost due to a blood clotting problem, specifically Factor V Leiden. That is a praise that they have discovered the problem; an appointment with a perinatologist should alleviate some questions about future children. We are glad for some answers and thank God for them.*

that we will continue to find comfort and strength. The mental picture that I have in my head is a deep dark pit and every time we add to our understanding of God's will, heaven, grieving, or compassion we build a rung to a ladder that leads out of the pit and to the higher ground.

Thank you for the emails, comments, and prayers. We are still breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.


Smockity Frocks said...

I'm glad you posted this. Do you mind if I link? I think this list is helpful to those of us at a loss for words.

I think of you several times each day and check here often. Yes, I pray for your whole family frequently.

Chad and Rebecca said...

Great blog! I am glad to read in your own words how everyone is doing. We are still praying and I will ALWAYS get in the nitty gritty with you dear sister.

Mandy said...

I just found your post through Smockity Frocks and wanted to offer my heartfelt prayers.

Lockwoods said...

I too came over here from Smockity Frocks and my heart aches for you. I added you to my prayer list and will keep you and your sweet family in my prayers in the days ahead.
The Lord has given us 11 little ones with another on the way...our oldest boy is named Timothy and we picked his name because of the meaning. And we have a Josiah too. When our Josiah was born, our Timothy was going through radiation as he had a tumor in his neck and I loved the meaning of the name Josiah too.
Your little Timothy is just beautiful and I loved how you wrote about his "time" in heaven will be just as a moment until you are all there together with him.
I will be praying for the Lord to comfort your hearts as you wait for that joyous renuion. I will pray He will give you that peace that passeth all understanding that only comes from Him as you cling to Him and His precious Word.

The Estrogen Files said...

I came in from Smockity Frocks to offer my thoughts and prayers. The Lord's precious healing hand upon you all.

A. said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. We too lost a son. It was this June. He lived for 4 days. Rading your posts about grieving rang so true to me. The "new normal" is something I recently was writing about. If you haven't already, i have to say, journaling helped me in ways I could never have imagined. Mines in teh form of a private blog and some days I'd just type through floods of tears to my little boy, and that release was enough to let me finish the rest of the day on a high note.
I highly recommend Hannah's Prayer website. It is a christian forum for those with fertility issues as well as those who've experienced infant loss, miscarriage, and all teh medical reasons this may have happened for. And most of all, just to have a safe plae to vent, cry, or know that others are walking a similar path.
You and your family are in my prayers tonight dear sister.

The Urias said...

Wow, I had your site bookmarked but haven't checked up on it in probably months. I was surprised at the recent updates. I have 2 children myself and one on the way and cannot imagine the feelings that encompass what you are going through right now. I pray for continued wisdom on the part of the medical team to give you some much needed answers and clarification and of course for God's strength and peace to envelope you like never before. Keep in the Word and keep moving ahead...God has already promised He will never leave you or forsake you. And He doesn't lie. Thinking of you...

LeftCoastOnlooker said...

Liz, how my heart hurts for your hurt. I pray that the truths you have learned will encourage your heart in the days ahead. The truth that encouraged me, eleven years ago when our only child died, was the realization that God loves my child more than I do. It took me a few weeks to realize that God, who made me; God, who made my child, loves our child more than we do & He does know what is best. Once I came to that realization, it was natural to thank God for His wisdom, love, provision & protection.

There will be moments that are suddenly more difficult than the moment before. There will be days when the grief suddenly cripples your heart. There will be people who will say things that seem insincere or hurtful, when they just don't know what to say to help. So, I will be praying for you, for comfort, encouragement, and strength, knowing that one day soon, we will hold our children in Heaven.

Aunt LoLo said...

I came here from Smockity's blog. God bless you. Thank you for being so honest, and PRAISE GOD that the doctors are finding some answers for you.

I am expecting my second baby, and my first son, before Christmas. His name is Timothy. Your story touched me - thank you for sharing. Every day is precious, and I needed to be reminded of that today.

Angel said...

Just want you to know I am thinking about you and praying for you. Angel

Bonnie said...

Thank you for your honesty about your journey of grief. As one who walks a similar journey since placing my 16 year old son in the arms of God, I recognize your courage to speak the truth about your pain. You mention "Half the battle of grief is learning how to grieve and to not avoid it." You are so right.
Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." Grief is on the inside; mourning is on the outside. Mourning is grief gone public! It is when we release those emotions of grief that we not only feel comforted, but we say to those in His Kingdom, I need comfort.
Blessings on you as your keep on breathing in and out, and wait for that blessed reunion. Maranatha!


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