I'm still here.
Day to day life is hard to live when everything that needs to be done takes so much effort, so things not as high on the priority list - like blogging don't get done.
What I know is that one day I will feel stronger and will know that I have found comfort in God's love.
What have I learned from my Timothy's life so far:
- Time in heaven isn't measured in hours and minutes - it's forever, so while Timothy and I will be apart a lifetime for me, it will only be a moment for him before we see each other again.
- Timothy is already where we are striving to be, he is already in the bosom of Abraham. I will continue to strive here on earth to teach my children and myself the truths outlined in the bible because the only thing worse than losing a child would be to lose a child who didn't follow God's plan for our salvation.
- I plead for others to pray for me and my family to endure the ache and to be able to muscle through until the "new normal" isn't filled with stings and tears. "I'm praying for you" isn't a remark made in passing, it is a weight bearing phrase that brings comfort to my soul, that I know others are coming to the Father on my family's behalf to ask for understanding and strength.
- I have much to be thankful for. Occasionally I catch a glimmer of the strength, compassion, and understanding that God has bestowed upon us because of this situation and it allows me to thank God for my Timothy is a different way. It allows me to remember him with a smile instead of a shroud of grief. God is faithful - holding onto biblical truths is so comforting.
What have I learned about grief that I didn't know...
- Sometimes people ask, "how are you", but what they really mean is "I'm thinking of you". Some people cannot duke out the nitty gritty details of Timothy's life with me, but they still want me to know that they love me and are praying for me. That is just as much of a blessing to be told that. It is OK if someone can't walk the road of grief with me, there are roads that I couldn't walk with others, but I appreciate that they are praying for us.
- Half the battle of grief is learning how to grieve and to not avoid it.
- Grieving gives us a license to be sad, but not selfish. Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice applies to me too! Just because I lost my Timothy will not prevent me from loving and rejoicing with someone else over their little one. I can honestly say that when a little soul is added to a family my "congratulations" are very heartfelt!
- That I will always wish that I had one more day to look at his tiny toes and to breathe in his quiet sweetness and if I had been blessed with 4 days with him instead of 3, then I would have wished for 5. That is a feeling that I will have for life.
- That a lot of hymns were written after a particularly trying time. The first Sunday I went back to our worship services I sobbed during the singing. We sang God's Family - it was a salve to my heart.
How can you pray for us right now....
specifically that the doctors can come to some conclusion to what is wrong and why we have lost our last 3 babies. They are leaning towards a thrombophilia disorder, but are not sure at the moment if that is what it is or not. I think if they can answer the "why" factor I will feel a marginal bit better. *Updated to add: Today the doctors confirmed that our little ones have been lost due to a blood clotting problem, specifically Factor V Leiden. That is a praise that they have discovered the problem; an appointment with a perinatologist should alleviate some questions about future children. We are glad for some answers and thank God for them.*
that we will continue to find comfort and strength. The mental picture that I have in my head is a deep dark pit and every time we add to our understanding of God's will, heaven, grieving, or compassion we build a rung to a ladder that leads out of the pit and to the higher ground.
Thank you for the emails, comments, and prayers. We are still breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.