November 2, 2008

The ebb and flow of life...

After recovery they wheeled me down to see the baby, who still had no name. When I saw him for the first time I cried. He had all of these tubes and he was laying so still and small. He was so sick and that first night they tried to give us a little hope, telling us that perhaps it was an infection but they would know more in the morning. He was stable for the moment, I was given 10 minutes with my little guy and then they needed to rush me off to my own room.

The orderly got me to my room and all settled. I was told I could go back at 8AM to see my little boy, but for the next 4 hours I needed to rest as much as possible. My hubby went with me to my room and we chatted for a moment about the wild ride that had been our night. The air in the room at that moment was just the excitement that immediately follows having a new baby. We were so excited about our little boy. We knew he was sick and it might be a long road, but he would be OK. He had to be OK. My hubby went back to be with the baby and then he went home to tell the other children what had happened over the night.

I was alone and nervous after he left. The nurse came in and shared with me that she had lost her own little one years before. She tentatively asked if I believed in God, I nodded and then she sighed and said that it will make the road of grief easier to walk. I thought what a sad story and felt sorry for the hurt that was still visible when she talked of her lost son and I also thought, but why is she sharing this with us, our baby will be fine.

About an hour later my sister in law came into my room. It was 4Am and she had driven an hour in the middle of the night to come and be with me. I know how much luckier can you get than to have a family who is willing to make those sacrifices to be there with you and to put their own needs aside for you. I hugged her and cried and then immediately noticed that she had all her makeup on, yeah she is a perfect like that.

She sat with me through the night and let me sleep, she got a wet washcloth when my face was itching like crazy as the anesthesia wore off, she tried to follow my mindless conversation the first hour as I tried to let this swirl of emotions out. When morning came she started making all the calls for me. Canceling this appointment and sharing the story over and over to countless family and friends. The power of family will never be lost on me again.

Finally 7Am came and I told the nurse I wanted to be able to see the baby at 8Am. She showed me how to get all of the tubes and wires on the wheel chair, but first I had to get up and move around, not so easy after someone has opened your abdomen. Then I waited for hubby, to go and see my sweet baby.

The waiting was excruciating so I opted to call the NICU to check on the baby because I needed to know how he was doing at that moment, this being separated from one of your children after they had spent the previous 30 weeks being so close was painful and necessary and grueling. The NICU nurse answered and said there was no change. I cried and cried and then cried some more.

My hubby got there and we went down to the NICU to check on the baby. We saw him and sat in front of his warmer. Me in the wheelchair and hubby in the purple hospital chair. Our posture was defeated and we looked like we had been beaten down. How did this happen to our perfectly healthy little baby. We tried to talk to him and to cuddle him as best as you can when there are tubes and wires running all over their little body and when you just want to pick them up and hug them to your chest and soothe and sing that it will be alright, it will be OK.

We sat there dejected and I told my dear hubby that we needed to decide upon a name. Timothy meant "to honor God" and Josiah meant "saved by God". That conversation didn't go anywhere as we both ended up in a puddle of tears. The tears that hurt your body as they bubble their way to the surface. They rack your body as they find a way to escape, they explode when they hit the surface to let just a portion of this pain escape, much of our day was spent in and out of these cries, while at the same time trying to maintain some dignity in our surroundings. Hubby looked at me and said Timothy and I nodded. So we told the nurse that he was named. Timothy - to honor God.


Rachel said...

thanks for sharing. Sorry this happened. I am still praying for your hurting heart.

Tamra Perkinson said...


I'm sorry for just now commenting. I have been reading all along and praying!!! Even though I have never lost a child, I can relate to your intense pain...the pain of loss. Praise the Lord that He is perfectly faithful and will prove Himself to be to you over and over again through this road. Even after all the calls stop and the cards cease. He will still be there. His perfect hand will comfort and guide you as you make your way through this valley. I always think of how Jesus calmed the storm when He was in the boat with the disciples. But, He was looking at them as if, "Why did I have to do this for you? Don't you know that you are with Me?" I've learned that He doesn't always calm the storm, sometimes He just pulls us in close as the storm is RAGING all around us. But He keep us in perfect peace if we keep our eyes fixed on Him (Isaiah 26:3).
We're all praying for your guys. This is a great time to build your faith in remembering that God will be perfectly faithful.

Aimee said...

Still praying- and crying with you, for you friend!

Dimple Queen said...


Just checkin in on you! Still praying for you my friend!



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