April 24, 2011
30 and 3....
Today I am 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our baby boy! The last time I was 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant I ended up delivering in an unplanned emergency c-section. 3 days later instead of consulting with doctors on what would be the best plan for our little man we ended up holding Timothy Anderson for the last moments while he was transitioning from earth to Abraham's bosom.
5 days later instead of visiting an incubator we were laying our little man to rest and I held him one last time. It was so hard to not curl up next to him and just give myself into the grief that wanted to consume me. I know it is a crazy thought, but grief is crazy like that.
Over the next 2 weeks we agonized over what his marker would say, the funeral home was so patient with us...but how do you summarize your son and show your faith in God in less than 20 words?
It finally read "We wanted to hold you longer, But you are where we are striving to be, We will live faithfully to meet you in eternity."
Our sweet Timothy, I wish you could have been here with us today to celebrate Easter and to do an egg toss and to devour candy and to hunt eggs. How I wish you were here to let me love on you and to dress you up in Easter clothes and put silly bunny ears on your head!
Alas, that was not to be, and while I will forever wish things were different for our little one I can't deny the truths and the changes that his brief life introduced to me.
Number one - we can not take this life for granted. We are not promised tomorrow - as cliche as that sounds it is so very true. I have no idea what tomorrow holds...it may be a quiet and fun day full of chores and cuddles or it might hold a tragedy or maybe some epiphany...who knows! What we do know is that we have this moment.
Number two - I have said this many times before and I will continue to say it...it is not "if" bad times come it is "when" they come. Keep your faith strong....read your bible everyday...learn the difference between prayer and supplication...keep strong so when you are tested you can know the only way through is to lean on God.
Number three - even if you recognize number 1 and number 2 you will still learn something through each new trial of life. We don't know it all, we won't know it all, and we can't expect to get through life on our own noodle. Look up Is. 55:8.
So as much as I miss what could have been, I have to be thankful for what Timothy gave me in his brief life and how those tiny feet will forever have changed my heart. He prepared me for a new chapter...more on that later!