Meeting Those Who Love You!!!

Eventually we had to bust our little baby from the NICU.  After 15 hours they finally were convinced that there wasn't anything else that could be done for him until he could see the pediatric orthopedist.   We were so glad to get him from the baby jail because so many people wanted to meet him....

We were all so excited to welcome baby Luke! 

WOW, I have been blessed!

Proud Big Brother!

Emily was suprised to see someone smaller than her!

Grandbaby number 14 for Grandmommy too!

Aunt Rebecca fell in love instantly!

Grandbaby number 14 for Granddaddy!

Luke makes Grandbaby number 14 for Nana!!!

Great Grandma and Grandpa love baby Luke!

Sister loving on baby!

Another sister loving on baby!

Aunt Shannon was so ready to meet Baby Luke!

Cousins are important people in our lives!!!

Finally after 5 days of being in the hospital and being poked and prodded and x-rayed and bothered we were very ready to go home!

After being held for so many days it was hard to be put down!

The next day we would begin taking care of his club feet at a hospital 2 hours away...it wasn't as bad as it sounds but that is a story for another day.

Our son...

After we made the decision to go ahead with the c-section it became a hurry and wait situation.  They had a scheduled c-section ahead of us and then a poor lady needed an emergency section.  Baby Luke was just fine to wait as long as there were no contractions or pitocin.   So he was just hanging out while his Mommy was just hanging on.

They wheeled me down the hall and started their procedures.  This was one of those big moments in life and I wanted to take it all in.  I wanted to remember the details...but at the same time all I could focus on was baby Luke's heartrate monitor.  Everytime his heart beat I would breathe.  It is an amazing thing that God created when he tangled Momma's and baby's together.

The nurse asked me my name and why I was there.   The anethetician asked me my name and why I was there.   The doctor asked me my name and why I was there; I wanted to look at one of them and say, I had an enlarged gall bladder that needed to come out,  but I was too nervous to be funny.

They were ready to begin and in just mere moments I felt pressure and then the absence of it and then a cry.   A lusty cry that was angry from being jerked from his warm home.  And with that cry it all became all right.  All the months of pleading with God had brought to fruition an answer to prayer, and just like that I could exhale the breath I had been holding for the last several months.  The first chapter was over and Luke was here.  I no longer had to fear my body betraying another baby....we made it....Luke made it. (The bible doesn't tell us much about our life before we are conceived but I always imagine baby Timothy telling his brother good luck....it may be the farthest thing from the truth but it is a nice image.)

The NICU nurse ran little Luke past me and I was able to see him and all of that dark hair.  The other nurses huddled in the corner saying his APGAR is 9 does he have to go to NICU???   While the nurses and doctors were trying to decide if Luke did indeed need the NICU the nurses started gathering statistics.  He was born at exactly 12:59 AM on 6-11-11.  He weighed
 6lbs 13oz with an indeterminable length (around 19 in).

In the end the hospital wanted to make sure that all of his issues were isolated to orthopedics and nothing underlying so he was whisked away to the NICU.  I sent my husband with him and again I was all alone, but this time the "what - if" monsters had been slayed and my soul was soothed.
 

It would be hours before I could truly meet my little boy, but that is for another post....

Baby Day!!!

Post 1
Post 2
Post 3

On June 9, 2011....I woke up to what I thought would be my last full day of pregnancy. I had one last doctors appointment. I had a few things left to buy and prepare before we met our sweet little bundle and I had a guinea pig to pick up and deliver to my daughter!

Lots of family was coming into town that day as well and I was excited and nervous.

After everything was done that day and everyone was prepared and loved on and everything that I needed to do was done...I was a wreck!

I walked around the house just trying to find something to do. I wanted to giggle emphatically at the fact that I was going to hold my baby the next day and shout from the roof tops how happy I was to meet him and simultaneously I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry for fear that maybe he too couldn't stay with us.

Finally I tried to sleep and I slept fitfully but luckily we were due at the hospital at 6 AM so we had to be up at 4:30 AM anyway!

So after all i's were dotted and all t's were crossed we were off to the hospital to meet our baby boy. The baby I had prayed daily for along time. The baby that was so wanted by our family.
So we got to the hospital and took one last picture of the baby in the belly and started to make preparations to meet baby Luke!

The nurses came in and hooked up IV's and asked the same question in 12 different ways. I answered them as if my life depended on it with a smile on my face. The day you get to meet your baby is such a magical day and it is hard to mess it up...especially when there isn't any pain yet!



Eventually all was arranged and I was ready to start the pitocin. I was ready for labor I was excited by the baby warmer in the room and I couldn't wait for the drug to start to work. Couldn't wait!!!! However, wait we did....and wait....and wait!

4 hours later I hadn't had 1 contraction! They had upped the dosage every so often and since this wasn't my first rodeo the nursing staff thought I would see the baby very quickly....HA!

So after 6 hours of no contractions....I was convinced they had given me a placebo. It was really saline not pitocin that was in this IV. The doctor came in and said maybe they should break my water and that would help speed things along....so they did and it didn't!

I had company coming all day and while I was happy for the sweet distractions. I was becoming very anxious to meet my little man.

Throughout the day I would alternate walking and sitting and laying down....doing anything that I felt like would help things along. Nothing really helped. Around 10:00 that night everyone started to depart for the night. The nurses were ready for me to rest and I was becoming a little nervous. My nerves were starting to get the best of me. I wasn't in any pain but I wanted my little guy to be alright. My lingering thoughts in the back of my head were not staying where they needed to stay...due to the excitement of the day and the lack of sleep the night before I was becoming desperate. The "what if's" were playing an ugly song and I was a captive audience.

Around this time my labor (or lack thereof) started to pick up a little I was FINALLY starting to have some contractions. However, the drama started there also. Baby Luke could not tolerate the contractions. Every time my body would contract his heart rate would plummet. All of a sudden my bedside looked like a scene out of a hospital drama. The quiet room was stuffed with medical personnel. They wanted me to lay on this side then turn to the other side and then finally on my elbows and knees with my face lower than my belly. They turned off the pitocin and baby Luke would find his happy place again. All would relax and we would turn the pitocin back on and then the drama would repeat itself. It was now close to midnight and they checked to see if we had made any progress in all of this....I was dilated to a 3.

After the last drama scene the doctors came in to talk to us and told us we needed to start thinking about a c-section. The baby was not tolerating the contractions, I was not very far along, my water had been broken all day, etc.

Way back when we found out that the baby would be born with AMC the subject of his delivery had been one of controversy. Some adamantly said that all AMC babies needed to come via cesarean. Others said no they could come naturally with little complications. I had prayed that the Lord would give us a clear answer and that we wouldn't cause any harm to come to our little guy with our decisions.

Finally I asked that I be able to talk with my hubby by myself and everyone left. I cried....the what-ifs overflowed to the surface. The exhaustion was creating a bleak outlook and the stress of the previous few months all came crashing out in what could only sound like sobs. My husband knew the decision was basically made and I knew we really had no choice but to accept a c-section but to feel like I had some minor control for a few seconds made the difference. We tried to hash out the 'what if' monster but basically until we say our baby they really wouldn't go away.

We told the powers that be that we were agreeing to a c-section and they started the preparations...little Luke was on his way!

A Pregnancy in Review....

Part 1

As I said before, before we could have our 2nd ultrasound to try and figure out just exactly what was going on we had to meet with genetics. Our appointment with genetics was at 3:30 pm to be followed up with an ultrasound at 4:30 pm. Our first appointment was about an hour and we were in and out in the right time frame; however, our 2nd ultrasound would not even begin until 6 PM because there was a very frightened couple in the room before us. I didn't talk with them I could just tell from the occassional sob I heard and the overall demeanor that the couple left with. I was so sad for them. I knew their heartache. Our doctor came out and appologized for taking so long, he said, "we had a lot of difficult things to talk about in there but I know you understand since we have some difficult things to discuss too!" We went through the ultrasound and our doctor still wasn't convinced that our little guy would be OK. He said, "If I didn't know your history then I would say Arthrogryposis."

So that was our first official diagnosis. I was overwhelmed but trying my best to keep it in check. We walked out of the doctors office a little dazed. It had been a long day and long appointments. We needed to go to the grocery store before we headed home and it felt so odd to be doing such an everyday thing when our life had just been altered from where we thought we were headed. I remember having a small freak out moment in the store in front of the meat counter but my husband quickly reminded me that God was in control and it would be OK.

That night after we got home I started researching everything I could about AMC. I read lots and lots of blogs that listed lots and lots of therapys and surgurys and doctors appointments. Everyone used tons of initials that I didn't understand. There was new language and therapys that I hadn't ever heard of - which isn't surprising since I hadn't heard of AMC before the last week either. By the time I got off the computer it was about 2:00 AM and I had my first official meltdown I cried and sobbed and cried some more. I woke my husband up with my tears and he was alarmed but all I could eek out was, "HOW???" We have been married long enough that he knew what I meant.

I meant how am I going to be strong enough to take care of this little baby, how am I going to be able to do everything that I need to do and still have enough time to love, educate, and parent my 4 other children, how am I ever going to be able to learn everything that I need to learn in order to care for him????

My sweet and very loving husband basically let me cry but he reminded me again that God was in control and that I didn't have to carry the burden alone. That helped and eventually my tears subsided and I went to sleep.

The next morning I woke up and decided that I was going to be happy, because if all the time that I was granted with my little guy was while he was in the womb then I wanted that time to be happy. It took some self control and it took a lot of prayer but God's grace bestowed peace to us and we were able to be happy.

to be continued....

A Review of Pregnancy....

Before I tell this story there is a specific audience I would like to address. If you are expecting a baby and you have stumbled onto this site while searching Arthrogryposis then this message is for you. I understand the road you are walking, I get it...I know the uncertainty and the fear and the relentless ache that accompanies the unknown. I am going to attempt to tell the story of our son's diagnosis and our experience thus far with AMC. Even though I am snuggling the joyous bundle in my arms it is still painful to think about the early days of diagnosis and all those months of uncertainty. You are walking a hard road but there are blessings even in the hard times. You are welcome to email me any questions you may have and for a true resource full of wonderful people go here!

When I suspected I was pregnant this time around I chose ignorance (or denial). I never took a pregnancy test and if I got nervous about expecting I would put it out of my head since I didn't know for sure. That was how I chose to deal with my situation. Not because I was in denial about the baby, but rather the opposite. I wanted another baby more than anything, but after 6 pregnancies that were heartbreaking in the last 4 years that was my way of coping.

Still in denial!

After it became quite apparent that this was in fact a sweet baby trying to grow into a still too big body. My ignorance turned to fervency. I prayed constantly that God would protect the life in my womb. I remember one day in particular not feeling so well and choosing to deal with it by laying very still with one hand protectively laying across my stomach pleading with God for this baby's life.

Wanting a hedge of protection, but not ready to share the news yet.

So that is the background to this story. A baby that was so wanted and who had a family ready to accept it and love the little one. So when a particular doctor suggested that maybe this baby shouldn't join our family - maybe the challenges that he would face were too great for this life...it was time to turn from pleading to fighting.

Cautiously sharing the news.

Up to February 15, 2011 the pregnancy had gone exceedingly smooth. No problems that could be seen. All of our fears had been calmed and while we were quite aware that our baby could return to heaven at any moment we were somewhat calmed by all of the good reports from the doctors. In January we found out it was going to be a boy and we were just overwhelmed with thanks to God that all was going well.

4 months and all was well!

On February 15, 2011 we had our 20 week ultrasound scheduled (except I was really 21 weeks - it is my curse in life to be perpetually late!) I loaded myself and 4 kids into the car and drove the 40 minutes it takes to get to the hospital. We were all excited, it was going to be a fun day. Dad was going to take a long lunch and meet us...we were all going to catch a peak at our newest little guy on the ultrasound screen. After everything we had been through the magic in the air was undeniable! I had an ultrasound in the office the week before and everything looked wonderful I felt very confident about taking the kids and enjoying the time with our newest baby.

The moment that the wand found my belly we could see him moving around and happy in there...how exciting. How great to greet our newest and last little baby. The kids were excited to see him and so was my husband and I. After the initial fun, the Dr needed to start taking measurements and taking care of business. So the kids watched for awhile but eventually excused themselves to the waiting room to break out books and coloring pages. This was going to take awhile. My sweet husband stayed awhile but was on a time crunch to get back for a meeting. Before he excused himself he asked the Dr if everything was OK or if he needed to be concerned about anything, the Dr. assured him that everything looked wonderful and that there was nothing to be concerned about. My husband smiled at me and said he needed to get back to work but was happy all was well.

Those sweet moments and words didn't last but a minute, before the Dr's face changed and I knew that look, I had seen it before and I braced myself. I can't remember the exact words that the Dr. said about something not being right with the baby. I can't pinpoint it in my mind when the wonderful ultrasound wasn't wonderful anymore. I just remember the feeling of drowning in shock and the room spinning a little. I remember small phrases like "poor profiling" and "you have heard of club feet" and "hands are staying in the same bent position."

I remember saying, "So you are saying that something is wrong....with the baby." He said yes, that moment I do remember. I felt numb and prickly. I cried. I tried to hold it together but I didn't feel well. I knew it was me and me alone to hold it together for my crew in the waiting room. Wow, the waiting room - how fortunate that they were all there and not in with me anymore. I was still crying. Telling myself to get a grip...relax...I went to the bathroom and washed my face, when I came out the Dr and his protege had left it was me alone in the ultrasound room, the room that started out with such excitement. I felt a little weak in the knees....take a deep breath, pull it together...I repeated it over and over.

I went to face the crowd with the best "OK let's go!" that I could. I'm not sure I fooled my oldest but she never lets on that she knows. I guess we are such kindred spirits that we know to respect the moments of shock. The Dr came and gave me memento pictures of the scan. I said thank you while trying to keep my voice from cracking and trying to talk over the lump in my throat.

We went to the car, we got in, we drove about a mile when my son said, "can't we play for awhile before heading home" I quickly agreed and found my way to the park. I feel like I crawled to a bench, but I'm sure I walked - they headed for the swings. I found my phone and dialed my husband but then hung up when I remembered his meeting. My fingers fumbled for a dear friends number and blurted the whole saga out in a rush. She listened and tried to soothe me but gave me the best present ever by promising to pray for us.

That night at home I tried and tried to research everything I could about hand positioning and poor profiling. I couldn't find anything about it. So I closed the computer and just waited.

2 days later I had a regular Dr's apt. My Dr. walked in and we exchanged niceties then we debated over the amount of Lovenox I should be on and then he said it didn't matter we had bigger things to discuss. The next thing he said to me was, "if this is what I think it is, then it is fatal." Fatal, as in incompatible with life. All I could think was nope this guy has no idea what he is talking about. I knew he was wrong and would just have to be shown that he was wrong. He also suggested that we could start over again and more than likely not face this problem again...that is when I KNEW he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

I went home and decided we couldn't spend the day around the house. So I took the kids to Build A Bear and we made the baby a bear. It was a sweet bear that my son picked out for his brother and we each recorded I love you into the special sound chip. There was something therapeutic about making and buying that bear. It was at that moment that I knew we were going to prepare for this baby. We were going to buy and sew and knit and prepare for our special little guy. We were going to argue about names and we were going to carve out his special place in our home. We were having a baby and I wanted to be excited about it and not nervous about our baby's future.

At one point in the day my son came up to me with a sweet baby boy outfit and said, "Can we buy this for the new baby??? It has baseballs on it!" I almost melted into a puddle of tears and told him we would buy clothes a little later on; while silently pleading with God to please bless us with our baby.

My husband kept telling me that if it was something this serious the Dr's couldn't tell and make such a crazy assumption based on one ultrasound. We didn't even know what was wrong or have a clear definition! All we could do was pray and put a smile on our face for our kids. We had another ultrasound scheduled in a week!

Meanwhile I googled and searched and searched and googled until I came up with the only thing that fit the description, Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita. I signed up and waited to be accepted to the AMC Support group and when they accepted my request I bombarded them with questions and found a loving supportive group trying their best to answer all of my fears. They were an answer to prayer.

One week and one day later was February 23. We went to the Dr's office and before they would allow us the follow up ultrasound we had to first speak with genetics. We spent the hour explaining over and over that baby Timothy didn't present with these same findings - that was an excruciating appointment. Reliving our loss mixed with our apprehension for our little one was overwhelming, but we dug in and held on and finally got a, "hmmm...maybe you are right."

The ultrasound revealed much of the same with his hands still in a flexed position and bilateral clubbed feet. All of the problems centered around his joints and the Dr. finally said that if this didn't have anything to do with our past loss then the only thing he could diagnose was Arthrogryposis...I concurred with his finding...and the fighting began.

to be continued

In 6 weeks....

Lord willing, we will introduce the world to:

Luke Andrew

until then his 20 week profile picture will have to suffice!

Can't wait to snuggle and love on the newest baby!

That wasn't easy....

Well, it is official we are Texans!  We arrived early this morning and we got up and rinsed the road off and packed up again to head to the big D, Dallas for my non-Texan readers, to help celebrate my sweet nephews birthday.   It is so great to see the family that we haven't seen in awhile and it is soul warming to be enveloped in a hug from someone truly excited to see you.

 I haven't been to Dallas in ages and it was so fun to see sites that are only here in Texas!  Mrs. Baird's bread, LAND, McAllister's deli, Hobby Lobby (I Heart you Hobby Lobby!), and a about a dozen other things that make this home.  Home, it feels so nice like I'm complete and I understand how the world operates here.    I love that there is a church on every corner!

However, my heart has another love too and because of that leaving California was not easy!

 How can you compete with the weather - it is paradise!  The Pacific ocean and its coast is one of God's masterpieces, the family - the family is something to weep over - and I did!  I will miss them fervently, but at the same time I'm so glad to have left some family behind....not in the, "man that one uncle is crazy"  reason to want to leave someone behind, but in the love they have for me and my family and we for them,  we leave some of our own love behind.  Some of our love that can be left when visiting dear Timothy or a flower placed because they loved him too.   

So you see leaving was not easy, but like most things in life the right thing to do is typically the hardest and so while I feel as if it was tragically unfair for me, his mother, to have to decide to let Timothy go and to decide if I was strong enough to move away from his place of burial (even though in my heart I know he isn't there) it was necessary for my family and so we did, but leaving was not easy.

Unfortunately since sin entered the world mothers have felt that knife blade thousands of time. The grief that has no counterpart - the grief of a part of your own heart dying and beating all at the same time.  The magnitude of pain that hurts so bad it awakens a part of your senses that is shocked that it is survivable.   And while all that whirls around, making decisions for the children that God has entrusted to our care.  

Grief is a crazy thing, this post was originally titled "Oh my, that was a LONG trip..." and all I intended to say was some pithy thing about being all moved and starting to get settled but I guess underlying behind the smile more needed to be said - and basically such is my life a smile and a tear all at the same time.  A heart a little alive and a little not.  

Anyway, we made it safely.

And, well, we are still breathing....(Updated with a finding from our doctor!)

I'm still here.

Day to day life is hard to live when everything that needs to be done takes so much effort, so things not as high on the priority list - like blogging don't get done.

What I know is that one day I will feel stronger and will know that I have found comfort in God's love.

What have I learned from my Timothy's life so far:

- Time in heaven isn't measured in hours and minutes - it's forever, so while Timothy and I will be apart a lifetime for me, it will only be a moment for him before we see each other again.

- Timothy is already where we are striving to be, he is already in the bosom of Abraham. I will continue to strive here on earth to teach my children and myself the truths outlined in the bible because the only thing worse than losing a child would be to lose a child who didn't follow God's plan for our salvation.

- I plead for others to pray for me and my family to endure the ache and to be able to muscle through until the "new normal" isn't filled with stings and tears. "I'm praying for you" isn't a remark made in passing, it is a weight bearing phrase that brings comfort to my soul, that I know others are coming to the Father on my family's behalf to ask for understanding and strength.

- I have much to be thankful for. Occasionally I catch a glimmer of the strength, compassion, and understanding that God has bestowed upon us because of this situation and it allows me to thank God for my Timothy is a different way. It allows me to remember him with a smile instead of a shroud of grief. God is faithful - holding onto biblical truths is so comforting.


What have I learned about grief that I didn't know...

- Sometimes people ask, "how are you", but what they really mean is "I'm thinking of you". Some people cannot duke out the nitty gritty details of Timothy's life with me, but they still want me to know that they love me and are praying for me. That is just as much of a blessing to be told that. It is OK if someone can't walk the road of grief with me, there are roads that I couldn't walk with others, but I appreciate that they are praying for us.

- Half the battle of grief is learning how to grieve and to not avoid it.

- Grieving gives us a license to be sad, but not selfish. Weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice applies to me too! Just because I lost my Timothy will not prevent me from loving and rejoicing with someone else over their little one. I can honestly say that when a little soul is added to a family my "congratulations" are very heartfelt!

- That I will always wish that I had one more day to look at his tiny toes and to breathe in his quiet sweetness and if I had been blessed with 4 days with him instead of 3, then I would have wished for 5. That is a feeling that I will have for life.

- That a lot of hymns were written after a particularly trying time. The first Sunday I went back to our worship services I sobbed during the singing. We sang God's Family - it was a salve to my heart.

How can you pray for us right now....

specifically that the doctors can come to some conclusion to what is wrong and why we have lost our last 3 babies. They are leaning towards a thrombophilia disorder, but are not sure at the moment if that is what it is or not. I think if they can answer the "why" factor I will feel a marginal bit better. *Updated to add: Today the doctors confirmed that our little ones have been lost due to a blood clotting problem, specifically Factor V Leiden. That is a praise that they have discovered the problem; an appointment with a perinatologist should alleviate some questions about future children. We are glad for some answers and thank God for them.*

that we will continue to find comfort and strength. The mental picture that I have in my head is a deep dark pit and every time we add to our understanding of God's will, heaven, grieving, or compassion we build a rung to a ladder that leads out of the pit and to the higher ground.

Thank you for the emails, comments, and prayers. We are still breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

The ebb and flow of life...

After recovery they wheeled me down to see the baby, who still had no name. When I saw him for the first time I cried. He had all of these tubes and he was laying so still and small. He was so sick and that first night they tried to give us a little hope, telling us that perhaps it was an infection but they would know more in the morning. He was stable for the moment, I was given 10 minutes with my little guy and then they needed to rush me off to my own room.

The orderly got me to my room and all settled. I was told I could go back at 8AM to see my little boy, but for the next 4 hours I needed to rest as much as possible. My hubby went with me to my room and we chatted for a moment about the wild ride that had been our night. The air in the room at that moment was just the excitement that immediately follows having a new baby. We were so excited about our little boy. We knew he was sick and it might be a long road, but he would be OK. He had to be OK. My hubby went back to be with the baby and then he went home to tell the other children what had happened over the night.

I was alone and nervous after he left. The nurse came in and shared with me that she had lost her own little one years before. She tentatively asked if I believed in God, I nodded and then she sighed and said that it will make the road of grief easier to walk. I thought what a sad story and felt sorry for the hurt that was still visible when she talked of her lost son and I also thought, but why is she sharing this with us, our baby will be fine.

About an hour later my sister in law came into my room. It was 4Am and she had driven an hour in the middle of the night to come and be with me. I know how much luckier can you get than to have a family who is willing to make those sacrifices to be there with you and to put their own needs aside for you. I hugged her and cried and then immediately noticed that she had all her makeup on, yeah she is a perfect like that.

She sat with me through the night and let me sleep, she got a wet washcloth when my face was itching like crazy as the anesthesia wore off, she tried to follow my mindless conversation the first hour as I tried to let this swirl of emotions out. When morning came she started making all the calls for me. Canceling this appointment and sharing the story over and over to countless family and friends. The power of family will never be lost on me again.

Finally 7Am came and I told the nurse I wanted to be able to see the baby at 8Am. She showed me how to get all of the tubes and wires on the wheel chair, but first I had to get up and move around, not so easy after someone has opened your abdomen. Then I waited for hubby, to go and see my sweet baby.

The waiting was excruciating so I opted to call the NICU to check on the baby because I needed to know how he was doing at that moment, this being separated from one of your children after they had spent the previous 30 weeks being so close was painful and necessary and grueling. The NICU nurse answered and said there was no change. I cried and cried and then cried some more.

My hubby got there and we went down to the NICU to check on the baby. We saw him and sat in front of his warmer. Me in the wheelchair and hubby in the purple hospital chair. Our posture was defeated and we looked like we had been beaten down. How did this happen to our perfectly healthy little baby. We tried to talk to him and to cuddle him as best as you can when there are tubes and wires running all over their little body and when you just want to pick them up and hug them to your chest and soothe and sing that it will be alright, it will be OK.

We sat there dejected and I told my dear hubby that we needed to decide upon a name. Timothy meant "to honor God" and Josiah meant "saved by God". That conversation didn't go anywhere as we both ended up in a puddle of tears. The tears that hurt your body as they bubble their way to the surface. They rack your body as they find a way to escape, they explode when they hit the surface to let just a portion of this pain escape, much of our day was spent in and out of these cries, while at the same time trying to maintain some dignity in our surroundings. Hubby looked at me and said Timothy and I nodded. So we told the nurse that he was named. Timothy - to honor God.

The beginning of the storm....

On September 30, I awoke and prepared for our day like I had always done. I talked to my sweet baby boy in my belly as I as I carefully made sure I had everything ready to go for all our outings that needed to be done that day. As with each baby that we are expecting, the air in the home was already starting to fill with excitement for the upcoming arrival. We were starting to talk about it more and more. The kids were dreaming of what their life was going to be like with the addition of FINALLY another boy. My son, my dear sweet son was so very anxious to have a brother. A brother of his very own.

We went about our errands for the day and came home. Some where during our time out I started to feel physically very bad. I called my husband and told him and I changed our afternoon to a quiet one at home. I rested and the kids were doing various quiet activities around the house. My sister in law and I had plans to go out for dinner that evening and so I prepared to go out with her and made sure that hubby and the children were cared for while I was gone. When I returned that evening I still felt bad and I realized that sweet baby boy had not been kicking around much.

Hubby and I talked and I shared my concerns. Over the next hour my concerns became his and he decided that we needed to go to the hospital to be on the safe side. So once the children were cared for we headed to the hospital. I felt like we were being precautious but everything was fine with baby boy, but better to be safe.

We got to the hospital and immediately found dear baby boy's heart beat. It was strong and steady. My fears were at bay. His heart beat brought me comfort and hubby and I chatted that we were sure we could leave and return home soon. Hubby called my sister in law and said the baby's heartbeat was great but the doctors wanted to look at a few more things then we should be home.

However, that is not how things went. The baby's heartbeat never varied from 173. That never crossed my mind as a bad thing, but it meant that the baby wasn't having any periods of activity to raise his heart level. The doctor came in with the ultrasound and dear sweet baby boy was not moving at all. No amount of sugar water or external stimulation could coerce our sweet baby to move at all. After 15 minutes the doctor decided that it was time for a c-section. She told us she would give us a few minutes to discuss it. She left, I was sobbing, hubby was trying to absorb all of the information to make an educated decision and try and talk to me about it. We were given about thirty seconds alone when everyone swooped back in with forms and gowns and instructions. It didn't take long for our little triage area to fill with medical personnel. Some were smiling at me with comfort and others were all business. I just kept trying to seek out my husbands face among the crowd. I just followed his face.

We were taken up the elevators to the surgical room. I had never had a c-section before so I was unprepared for what lay ahead. I had never wanted to have a c-section so I was saddened by this state of affairs. They wheeled me into the surgical area and started to prepare me for this surgery. I kept thinking about the baby and how these were the last moments that I had with just him and I. I knew where he was and that he was warm, I didn't know if he was safe inside me so this was the best option. It was somewhere in these moments that I became very still, the sobs subsided and I was very obedient to the doctors every request around me. I became a bystander in my own life.

I was missing my husband at this point and I told the nurse that I wanted my husband. I could tell she forgot that I had one of those and ran to retrieve him. I was so glad when he was back and looking at me and comforting me with his eyes in a way that only he can. I felt stronger and safer with him there. I asked what was going on and he said that they were working on getting the baby. His choice of wording and gestures made me realize he was trying to protect me from our current world.

It wasn't long before I heard a nurse say male born at 1:08 AM, October 1st. I never heard a cry, they told hubby to go with the baby and then I can't remember anymore of his birth. Hubby later told me that as soon as the baby was born they pushed a syringe into my IV and I was out.

Healing...

I have tried and tried tirelessly to find a way to express how I feel over the loss of my sweet baby. What I have found is there really are no words to convey the emotions I had towards the anticipated arrival of our second son. He was not always lifeless. Through the wonders of ultrasound I saw my sweet baby suck his thumb and practice swallowing, it was at those moments that I would get impatient about how long 9 months go by when you are waiting to hold one of the great loves of your life. God has graciously blessed our family with 5 wonderful children; 5 children that brought a smile to our face and a tear of joy to our eyes when we learned of each of their existences. My hopes and dreams for our 5th child did not materialize in the ways that I had imagined. I never was able to swaddle him and sing him a lullaby. I was never privileged to hear one of his cries and I never was able to teach him the most valuable of lessons. I will always miss those hopes; however, Ecc 7:3 says Sorrow is better than laughter, For by a sad countenance the heart is made better. I’m still searching as to how this will make my heart better, but I know that what I will learn from my dear Timothy will be honoring to God and those in my life. He was our 5th child and he was as loved and as longed for as our first. He will be greatly missed.

I just can't...

seem to find the words to write at this point to let you know the details of my precious baby's life.

You can be updated here.

We are grieving...

Our baby boy joined us in this world early and small and he left us yesterday morning. We are aching and grieving and as I feel like I can share I will, but for now all I can say is that God is giving us peace.

Yippee....

We got the call we were waiting for today. Everything with baby boy is OK; there weren't any genetic anomolies and his heart looks good as do his kidneys! Thank you to ALL of you who wrote encouraging comments, emailed, and prayed for us. I was so very excited and didn't realize just what kind of weight this was until they gave us the good news today! So we are saying our prayers of thanksgiving!

At this point all that there is to do is close monitoring. I'm to have an U/S once a month until 34 weeks and then 2X a week! That is a lot and since in my heart of hearts I feel like everything is fine I really don't want to go through with all of this; however, hubby is a stickler for drs orders. He was the Bed Rest Nazi after my amnio! It made me feel so loved!

UPDATE....

We had our perinatologist appointment on Wednesday. Thank you all who emailed and said you were praying and thinking of us. We really don't know anymore than we did when we went in, but hopefully we will have all of the information by next Thursday.

They did a long ultrasound and concentrated mainly on baby's heart. They also did an amniocentesis and I have been lounging around recovering from that. It wasn't that bad, but I don't want to ever go through it again!

We did find out one thing though - the sweet baby boy is a thumb sucker! Nine months is a long time to wait to cuddle a baby!